Playing Mom

A Personal Essay by Ana Hirschi

“What you do to children matters. And they might never forget.” 

—Toni Morrison

Three children might never know how much of an impact they left. They became children I learned to love, despite their difficult times. I especially came to love the three-year-old, as I spent the most time with him.

Maxwell, the three-year-old, and I instantly had a connection. He had enough energy to run five miles without taking a break. I wouldn’t be surprised if in one hour, he ran five miles inside the house. 

He would reach up to grab my hand whenever he wanted to go somewhere. “Ana, come.” He would say. Even though he always went places alone in the house, as long as I was there, he needed me to go with him.

Awakening from a Winter of Divorce

A personal essay by Julie Newman

After my parents divorced, I feared a long winter. But the storm never came.

When some people hear the word divorce, they think of a thunderstorm. Parents’ voices raised in anger. Kids cowering in the background as they listen to the booms grow louder and watch the lightning flash.

But this wasn’t the case for my parents. For me, the divorce was a snowstorm: falling so quietly and lightly that the reality of what had happened melted before I started to pay attention. The signs were there. In my flowering innocence, my five-year-old self just never considered them.

Making Cheesecake

By Katy Sumsion

It’s sweet and savory and sour and soft. . . All at the same time.

I throw my backpack down on the floor of our little two-bedroom apartment. David isn’t home yet. It’s been a really long day. I sit on our overstuffed black leather couch, thinking, but I’m not thinking about anything in particular. The chaotic events, ideas, and feelings of the day swirl like mist through my brain and seep out of my ears and eyes and nose, never to be remembered or thought again. They leave behind a bitter feeling. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, so I get up. I’ve decided I need to create, to bake something sweet to cut through that bitterness. I fling my shoes off of my feet and trudge my way to the cupboard. It squeaks as it swings open.

I'll Find Out, In Due Time

A personal essay by Marcus Cain

An eternal promise to a mortal being; a torment light can’t unveil.

My relationship with God has always been distant.

When I was younger, I felt close to Father in the sense that I knew He was there; like a child being supervised. However, the older I got, the more I treated Him like any teenager would - off handed communications and years of detachment. Confiding in a man of great spirituality, I hoped to mend my impartiality towards Father. As the man spoke, his voice sounded familiar, though I had not heard it before… it wasn’t his voice, but His. Reassuring. Calming, even.

Unsettling.

Kendal's Revision Plan

Content: After talking with Professor Burton, I have decided that I am going to end with the spider part of my essay rather than start with it. I am also deciding how I am going to break down all the chunks that the reader may be reading and wanting more details on. Still unsure.

Form: I could possibly add more description to some of the paragraphs I have written to inform the audience a little more. Not really sure. I think I need to think on this one a little more and figure it out.

Design: Professor Burton knows about the photos I take. He suggested that I could embed some of my photos that I have taken that reflect the mood of this essay. It really would be something and would add some good content for sure.

Ana's Revision Plan

1. Some of the titles I’m working with are: “Playing Mom #2”or “The Art of Playing Mom.” Something I am planning on revising are personal thoughts. I set up a detailed character sketch, but I need to include my own thoughts, reactions, etc.  My hope is that it will help it become more balanced and help the audience engage with the story more.
2. Because I already have sturdy character development, I want to see if I can help the story flow more, instead of abrupt transitions in the essay. I might include more dialogue in some areas to help the audience see what I’m thinking, as well as how I’m engaging with the other character(s).
3. I’m also planning on dividing the essay into sections for the various scenes, which will be indicated by asterisk scene breaks. I also want to include multiple (and appealing) pictures that draws the audience in visually. My current image would be good to include in the middle of the essay, but not to have it be the first one they see. I’m planning on getting a stock photo (due to privacy) of children, or something of that nature.

Buckets's Revision Plan

Content:
I plan on getting rid of the some of the "LDS-only" references, but keep two and add stronger, more general introductions to the references. I'm kicking around the title of Friends at First, Are Friends Again? This is a Joseph Smith quote (question mark added), but sets a good tone for the essay. I also want to make the essays idea better outlined but still not didactic.

Form:
I like the brief vignettes of my old friends matched with brief sentences, but some sentences need to be broadened. Additionally, I'll try to make my signposts clearer--implicit instead of explicit--so the text doesn't get lost and seem to amble about. For the diction, I want to do a better job showing the chasm better ideal relationships and awkward connections.

Visual Design:
The part that I am struggling with most. Dr. Burton and I constructed the idea that I could take a picture of me and my mission trainer and show it again, but blurred and ambiguous. I like this idea, but will keep playing with other photos of friends. I also am going to work with my subheadings, to make them more attractive, and perhaps add one more so that I can avoid a wall of text in the middle of my paper.

Dorothy's Revision Plan

1. Content: The content of my narrative needs to be revised a little so that the reader is better able to follow what is happening and why it matters. I plan on including a small paragraph about what made coming home early difficult and the stigma around that. I want to include a little bit more about the struggle it was to decide to return to the mission field, but not make it a focus.

2. Form: In my draft, I assumed that I was writing for a general LDS audience, but after I met with Dr. Burton, we discussed how more context needs to be given in my essay. I will pay more attention to the setting and describing why the events are monumental so that I can better connect with my audience.

3. Visual Design: I plan to include photos from my time in Cape Verde as well as a photo of when I received my new mission call. I will include a photo of the scenery of Cape Verde as well in the middle of the blogpost so that the reader can feel more familiar with the environment that I mention.

Cameron's Revision Plan

Content:

Dr. Burton and I discussed that the multiple ideas present in my draft can be confusing to readers. I’ve decided to make that which I love the main focus: dirt bike riding. Unfortunately, this means a lot more writing. I want to start out expressing an observation; since joining the church, everything seems to "mean something," that i'm supposed to find purpose in everything, but before I was a member, there wasn’t really an underlying meaning in riding, it was just fun, and I liked that.

Form: Dr. Burton and I talked about how I am focusing on style and form, rhythm and diction, but as he pointed out, that comes second. I need to be focusing on content, characterization and description. I will be focusing on expressing what it is that really makes me love riding.

Visual Design: We discussed a range of images, but also that I need to do a bit more writing before selecting the images I want to incorporate. I will break the text, inserting a jump break into the text to make the overall layout more aesthetically pleasing for a webpage.

Katy's Revision Plan

I plan to revise my content by pulling out most of the references to the abstract, eternity, and the temple. I will instead bring in more of the concrete details, and have more mundane snippets, making the essay less about eternity and more about the first year of marriage.

I am going to refine the brief moments of dialogue to make them tie more into the whole. I also plan to refine the metaphorical elements to make them more smooth. I will cut out the quote altogether.

I plan on incorporating images of ingredients and an empty pie tin. I am trying to break the text into chunks, but will do so with smaller paragraphs instead of section headers.

Henry's Revision Plan

1.       As far as revision goes, I think I am ok with the order in which I tell my story. The main thing I noticed as I read it over and listened to the feedback, is that I need to be more didactic in my story telling.

2.       I want to do a better job in the imagery I use in my paper, especially because so much of my surrounding through out the story are in nature, I think I can do a better job at situating the reader to my surroundings.

3.       I have some pictures I have from my first hike and the most recent hike that I want to use. I just have to think about the order I want them to appear and what type of pictures would actually match the theme of my essay. I want the reader to feel like the pictures are really apart of the story.

Julie's Personal Essay Revisions

I will revise my essay in terms of content by demonstrating my theme more. Because I talk about the “snowstorm” of my parents’ divorce at the beginning of the essay, I could use later content to subtly convey a cycle of seasons as I progress to the summer of my own wedding. I will also revise my headings to better fit my established theme.

I plan to revise the form of my essay by rewording the character sketches of my parents so that they flow better with the seasons metaphor running throughout my essay. For example, I could use the sketches to describe how my parents are blooming now in spite of the winter of the divorce.

Finally, I will improve the visual design of my essay by consciously choosing images that play into my theme. I might use the season images as breaks between sections instead of headings. I will wrap an image around the first couple of paragraphs of my essay so that they’re less overwhelming to potential readers.

Marcus's Personal Essay Rivisions

For content, I need to make sure that I don’t include topics that are specific to LDS culture. For example, not explaining what a mission it, maybe a Patriarch or a Patriarchal blessing. I need to either take these out and refrain from using specifics in such a way OR explain what these are in a simple manner.

As for form, I will need to focus on better rhythm and description. Right now, the format of the paper is good, but I need to make sure that the text flows. Another thing I should look at or do is read the paper out loud and figure out what flows and what doesn’t. There are some lines that could have better diction.

The images are going to be greyscale to reduce the warmth of color, but I need to find a better initial image. I may use my final image at the start and find something else for the ending. Each image should relate to the heading (which I also need to include) of each section.