Playing Mom

A Personal Essay by Ana Hirschi

“What you do to children matters. And they might never forget.” 

—Toni Morrison

Three children might never know how much of an impact they left. They became children I learned to love, despite their difficult times. I especially came to love the three-year-old, as I spent the most time with him.

Maxwell, the three-year-old, and I instantly had a connection. He had enough energy to run five miles without taking a break. I wouldn’t be surprised if in one hour, he ran five miles inside the house. 

He would reach up to grab my hand whenever he wanted to go somewhere. “Ana, come.” He would say. Even though he always went places alone in the house, as long as I was there, he needed me to go with him.

Marcus's Essay Draft: I'll Find Out, in Due Time

I’ll Find Out, In Due Time

An eternal promise to a mortal being; torment, light can’t unveil.

My relationship with Father has always been distant.

When I was younger, I felt close to Him in the sense that I knew he was there; like a child being supervised. However, the older I got, the more I treated Him like any teenager would – off handed communications and years of detachment. A blessing from my church Patriarch mended that detachment, for a moment. The voice of the old timely Patriarch, sounded familiar, though I had not heard it before; not his voice, but His. Reassuring. Calming, even.

Unsettling.

Oct. 23, 2011 – Journal Entry 7

Today in the MTC during scripture study, my class laughed at me because I drew an image of Jesus crossing the Atlantic Ocean to visit the Americas in a boat – a rendition of what I thought happened in The Book of Mormon. Apparently, I was way off.

Marcus's Bold Essay Response

After writing boldly, I burnt my words. Or in this case erased them from my computer and existence. I am not one to explain myself completely and being able to do so in writing was a little daunting. There isn’t much I hold back, but when it came to my topic, I realized there is a lot more digging to do. My topic is nothing of scandalous occurrences, emotional strife, or spiritual revelations, but it is a complex story of my life within the confines of God’s plan and timing. There seems to be things I don’t understand, and based off of my last Blog post, timelines are the issue. While exploring the concept for writing boldly, lots of minor details about my life that I had seemed to be forgotten came back. My lifeline seems to have unexplainable knots tied into it and unraveling those knots gave me a less disheveled perspective of how I view myself. This was a good exercise to see clearly about what events I would like to include into my paper – giving clearer understanding for the readers. Hopefully, I will be able to portray everything needed about time, in due time.

Ana's Bold Essaying Response

As I wrote about my topic I chose for my private writing, I noticed I kept thinking about concerns and questions I had with my topic. I was able to dig deep into a topic that isn’t talked about frequently. I realized that sometimes it takes writing about concerns in order to crack what my thoughts really are. It helped me develop concrete opinions and questions about what I was writing about. At first, I had to reflect on what I actually thought on the topic, then, once I started writing, more and more thoughts appeared; it was definitely a challenge at the beginning, then became easier. There were times when I thought about a question I had, or an idea I wanted to explore, and then the direction I had originally anticipated went an entirely different route. When I dealt on my newly-found ideas, my writing seemed to flow a lot more naturally. It goes to show that sometimes I don’t recognize how much of an opinion I actually have about a topic.

Marcus' Personal Essay: In Due Time

In Due Time (a possible title for my personal essay): Being comfortable with my own timeline and not worrying about social pressures of the “standard” timeline for life occurrences. 

-      Construct a basic understanding that there are social pressures at BYU and within the Church of Jesus Christ that cause young adults to fear “falling behind”. There is no such thing.

-      Certain points that were considered “late”: being comfortable with myself, going less active and becoming associated with the gospel, progression within the mission, starting my undergrad as a transfer student, joining athletics, dating, etc.

-      There are specific details about ones lives that cause them to take paths that stray from the expected – this isn’t wrong, but a path of understanding oneself and their potential.

-      Explain what “in due time” means under a worldly definition as well as an eternal definition. There is a big difference between what we see on this earth and what we try to accomplish in the time given, compared to the time we have to prepare in the eternities. 

-      Being able to adjust your timeline based on experiences as well as understanding your relationship with God and the paths he has opened for each of us.

Bonding through Words

I have been a journal writer since I was about eight years old. The content and style has changed over the years, but I have always loved putting my thoughts to paper. One of my favorite things about journal writing though, is when I can review what I have written in the past (and some of it is hilarious)! If I hadn’t written it down, I would’ve never remembered what my 10-year-old self did or thought.

This summer, I had the chance to re-read some of my early childhood journals with a sibling I was never that close to—because of the nature of the journals, I was comfortable having someone else reading them with me—as we read them together, I was able to retrieve memories, and then explain the situations and my experiences to my sibling. It was a great bonding time for both of us. Once we finished one, we had to move on to the next one because we had such a great time together.

Journal writing helps me reflect on my growth from year to year, sometimes day to day. There are times when putting my thoughts on paper helps me think through hard situations until I come up with a solution. I have grown closer to Christ through journal writing as I reflect on various aspects of my life.  

Journaling: The Way I Overcame a Mental Illness

Journaling has healed me in ways nothing else can. During my late high school and early college years I suffered from toxic perfectionism. I worked extremely hard in school, magnified my callings, volunteered, worked a part time job, and was a good friend, yet I never felt like I was doing enough. Those feels hit their apex when I was on my mission. I was working the hardest I have ever worked in my life, yet I still felt completely worthless. hroughout this time and the hard months that followed, I received lots of council and guidance from people who loved and supported me. Looking back, their advice was good, but my mind was too clouded from this mental illness for me to comprehend it. It wasn’t until I started journaling my thoughts, feelings, and experiences that I was able to make any real progress. It shifted my perspective and helped me detached myself from my own detrimental thought processes. Even now, I continue to use journaling as a means to express myself and process my emotions and experiences. It’s been the way I have been able to see Gods hand in my life and feel confident in my abilities and move forward in my uncertainty. 

"By My Own Hand": Journaling my Christian Life

Some of my personal journals
next to my father's biography.

My father titled his biography By My Own Hand, echoing Nephi's phrase from the Book of Mormon. The two of us spent many long hours going over drafts of his chapters, giving us many occasions to discuss his long and interesting life. I'll never forget how he came to terms with some pretty tough stuff (a failed first marriage, disappointments in business, betrayal by a partner, etc.) while composing his life story. He recorded so many kind thoughts about others, plus small triumphs and regular joys. His life writing made me proud to be his son.

Dad achieved an honesty, an authenticity, about his life by reflecting upon it and committing it to words. That drive to know the truth, and at the same time to be humble about one's own complicated thoughts and choices -- this is something that characterizes religious seekers, not just authors. It could refer to Joseph Smith, or St. Augustine, or my father -- or me.

By my own hand I write with a fountain pen in journal after journal, at times just chronicling the events of my life and family, and at times sounding the depths of what I believe, facing feelings, or talking to God, or reaching for answers. I really can't divide my religious faith and devotion from the literacy that has been ingrained in me. Journal writing connects me to family, to God, and to my most real self.

Journal writing is integral to the reflective and covenant life to which I am committed to as a Christian. Such personal writing has been for me both joyful and painful, creative and cringe-worthy -- a way of collecting myself and of shedding or shaping thoughts. It is a way to honor the people I love, to preserve the powerful insights I've received, and it is both a refuge and an adventurous mode of repentance.