Awakening from a Winter of Divorce

A personal essay by Julie Newman

After my parents divorced, I feared a long winter. But the storm never came.

When some people hear the word divorce, they think of a thunderstorm. Parents’ voices raised in anger. Kids cowering in the background as they listen to the booms grow louder and watch the lightning flash.

But this wasn’t the case for my parents. For me, the divorce was a snowstorm: falling so quietly and lightly that the reality of what had happened melted before I started to pay attention. The signs were there. In my flowering innocence, my five-year-old self just never considered them.

Julie's Personal Essay Revisions

I will revise my essay in terms of content by demonstrating my theme more. Because I talk about the “snowstorm” of my parents’ divorce at the beginning of the essay, I could use later content to subtly convey a cycle of seasons as I progress to the summer of my own wedding. I will also revise my headings to better fit my established theme.

I plan to revise the form of my essay by rewording the character sketches of my parents so that they flow better with the seasons metaphor running throughout my essay. For example, I could use the sketches to describe how my parents are blooming now in spite of the winter of the divorce.

Finally, I will improve the visual design of my essay by consciously choosing images that play into my theme. I might use the season images as breaks between sections instead of headings. I will wrap an image around the first couple of paragraphs of my essay so that they’re less overwhelming to potential readers.

Julie's Personal Essay Draft

When some people hear the word divorce, they think of a thunderstorm. Parents’ voices raised in anger. Kids cowering in the background as they listen to the booms grow louder and watch the lightning flash.

But this wasn’t the case for my parents. For me, the divorce was a snowstorm: falling so quietly and lightly that the reality of what had happened was a cloud that had passed over before I started to pay attention. The signs were there. In my flowering innocence, my five-year-old self just never considered them.

Julie's Essay Plan

Reflect: Writing about my personal essay has been an exercise in discovering the various strengths and weaknesses in my writing—for instance, I have found that I can use dialog to strengthen the characters I portray and that I need to use imagery more so that the story can tell itself. The exercises also helped me to be a lot more thoughtful in considering what experiences and people have been important in shaping my life.

Select: I plan on writing about my parents’ divorce and how it has caused me to both struggle and grow as a person and as a Latter-day Saint.

Comment: Hoiland arranged her personal essays so that they are not at all chronological. I would like to imitate this technique, as I feel I am free to explore my topic with more depth and authenticity if I’m not restricted to a linear timeline. I will also follow her model of having lessons from experiences naturally reveal themselves (instead of starting my essay with an overt theme) to ensure that I am not overly didactic in my essay.

Plan: Like I said, I plan to approach my experience from a non-linear format, going back and forth between my experiences as a child/teenager and my later experiences in college that allowed me to come to terms with the divorce and what I wanted for my future marriage. I want to explore the divorce from a more realistic angle—acknowledging that while it was hard and did make me question doctrine about celestial marriage, it also helped me develop empathy, strengthening my understanding of and my relationship with both parents. I would end the essay talking about how my experiences have influenced the care I give to my blossoming marriage today.

Julie's Incorporating Quotes

[Using quotation to underscore a point]:

It was a risk, no doubt about it. According to my research, I was just another statistic. Just another one of those kids of divorced parents who was destined to be disillusioned about love or get divorced themselves. But as I looked back on the happiest day of my life—the day that went by in a blur of coral flowers, mint green cake, and hugs from friends and family alike—I knew I wasn’t going to be another statistic. No, if anything, my love for my husband was strengthened by my resolve to overcome the odds:

“For thy sweet love remembered such wealth brings / That then I scorn to change my state with kings” (Shakespeare, Sonnet 29).

[Dramatize your literary experiences]:

I stared at the waterfall of notes on the screen, my eyes glazing over. Darkness swept the room as I turned off my laptop. Tomorrow was the final for my eternal families class, and I knew that I would do just fine. But not one answer, I thought. Not one reference to the question aching inside me all semester. I listened to my roommate’s steady breathing as I climbed into bed. In that moment I understood how George Herbert had felt when he wrote, “Both knees and heart in crying night and day, / Come, come, my God, O come! / But no hearing” (“Denial”). 

[Use an opening quotation]:

“Where are the songs of spring? Ay, Where are they? / Think not of them, thou hast thy music too” —John Keats, “To Autumn”

But even during those years that some might call the autumn of my life, I still saw bright bursts of orange leaves and golden sunlight. Scripture study with my dad and stepmom each night. Going to cute cafes with my mom and eating sugar cookies iced with frosting. The music of those glowing memories still plays clearly in my mind today.

Julie's Leavitt/Hoiland Post

I loved it when Martine Leavitt explained during our interview with her that one of the reasons she used poetry as the form in My Book of Life by Angel was that she and the reader could distance themselves from the narrative and focus more on the language. She deliberately used form as a tool so that she could write about a topic that is difficult for people to openly discuss. That was a powerful example to me of someone who knows how to expertly use literary techniques to bring across a message.

In Hoiland's essay "Twelve Times I Prayed," I loved how she used her journey through the forest as a symbolic representation of her own journey and facing her loneliness. While in the forest, she described the warm feeling that came over her as "a mother's love. An ancient love that flowered deep inside the furthest recesses of my mind and heart and moved through all of me to that very spot where I stood. . . . Being in the forest . . . felt like a mother I've always known" (13). While the concept of a Heavenly Mother is a sensitive and sacred topic, Hoiland was still able to respect the sacredness of that topic by seeing the manifestation of her Heavenly Mother's love in the simple things in nature. She used descriptions of nature that provided insight into her own beliefs. Like Hoiland, I want to be able to manipulate setting in my own personal essay in a way that it reflects my own internal journey and beliefs.

Julie's Bold Essay

Writing my private bold essay was a relief for me. It gave me a chance to wrestle with some of the doubts and worries that I have about the future, and gave me permission to not feel guilty about having some of these doubts. As I wrote this down I thought about the recurring theme in life that you won’t solve your problems unless you have the courage to face them head-on. It is essential to give validity to your feelings, to not dismiss them as stupid or something that will just fade away. Writing them down is a great way to do that. If you’re not willing to take the time to address those feelings, you won’t acknowledge them and resolve to tackle them head-on.

Maybe that’s why feelings can be an abyss, something dark and scary to enter. In this exercise I learned about my own tendency to push some of my darker fears/feelings away in hopes that they will go away. But at the same time I learned about the courage that writing--not just writing, but writing with authenticity and honesty--gives me to face those feelings.

Julie's Belief Sketch

“Dad, tell me about the divorce,” I said, dipping my legs into the cool pool water. Dad stopped in the middle of a lap, panting as he met my gaze.

“What do you want to know?”

“What did Mom do wrong? What made you guys so unhappy?”

As the youngest, I was the only one in my family who had no recollection of the divorce. But every time I pieced the narrative together in my mind, I found someone to blame for the disaster that occurred. One day it was my brother. Some days it was my dad. Other days it was my mom. Each story was as vague as the next. But every time I tried to formulate the story, I had to find someone to blame.

“Julie,” my dad said seriously, “I have my regrets from the divorce. If I could go back, I would handle things very differently. Your mother was a wonderful woman. I will never forget the constant shower of support that she was to me when I was a bishop. We just went through a rough patch and didn’t know how to escape it.”

As I sat down to read that night, I thought about how there’s not a clear-cut villain in every story. And in spite of my morals and beliefs, I wasn’t the hero I had always dreamed of being. Nobody fits the framework of the hero who does everything right or the villain who is unquestionably evil.

Was the divorce no one’s fault? Was it everyone’s fault? Both?

Julie's Character Sketches

1. Spencer touches the Giants cap on his head for good luck. He picks up a bowling ball and turns toward Dad. “How much will you give me if I can score a strike with my left hand?”

Dad snorts. “Twenty bucks.” Grinning, Spencer saunters up to the lane and throws the ball with ease. We hear the clack as the ball collides with the pins, scattering them in all directions. He turns around.

“How much will you give me if I do it a second time?”

2. Dad’s eyes dash back and forth between the tv and his phone. One is flashing a report about the stock market while the other is displaying an exciting baseball game. He turns the stove off and heaps our plates with vegetables. We take a bite, pleased with ourselves for producing such a healthy lunch. Then Dad says, “Eh, I can start my diet tomorrow. Do you want to go get some See’s after this?”

3. Freshly baked bread is not an uncommon aroma in our apartment. Every day Chloe strides into the kitchen, her thick hair pulled back in a bun. Curly strands of hair frame her face as she kneads dough. Yesterday it was sourdough with braided ropes of dough circling the loaf. Today she expertly forms her dough in the shape of a rose. After the bread's in the oven, her eyes light up with excitement as she moves on to her next project: putting together a colorful quilt.

Three Scenes from Julie's Life

1. The air is tense as I hold their breath. The combined aroma of salty sea air and clam chowder waft through the air. Boats glide through the bay, bathed in the silvery light of a full moon. The player steps up to home plate in his bright orange uniform, ready to hit the home run that will save the Giants--

He swings. And misses. “Sheesh-kebab,” the grizzled man in front of me curses, reaching out for his third cup of beer. I silently agree.

2. An explosion of sounds erupts throughout the house: cries, laughter, screams, tantrums. I Facetime my dad so that he can watch the celebration, but any attempts at talking are drowned out in the sea of nieces and nephews. Jenny brings out a Trolls-themed birthday cake for Oaklie, my sixth and youngest niece, that glimmers with three candles. The family cheers as the candles go out. “I’ll call you when I can actually hear you,” I tell my dad as Oaklie runs over to me to ask if I want to play a game.

3. “Are you excited to go back home to Utah next week?” Dad asks me. I lower my seat and roll down the windows. Cool evening air flows into the car. Outside I can hear crickets sing.

“Utah can wait,” I say, wrapping myself in a blanket. We open the sunroof and sit in contented silence. Above, there’s a bright beam of light as a meteor streaks across the sky.

Julie’s General Conference Analysis

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf made his talk more interesting by taking a story that we all know--the story of our lives as we strive for discipleship and exaltation--and framed it in the light of Tolkien’s The Hobbit. He doesn’t stop after simply comparing our lives to a fantasy adventure. He goes into depth regarding all the luxuries and comforts that Bilbo Baggins has as a hobbit (eating several breakfasts, etc.) and the imperfect start to his journey. He said that in our journeys we face metaphorical spiders and dragons. He also compared discipleship to learning to play the piano: even if you have to start out simple and mess up at times, the only way forward is continuing to practice and practice. 

Elder Uchtdorf could have simply said that we need to be better disciples and better appreciate this journey that is our life. Instead, his technique was to engage the audience with a familiar popular tale and using it to frame our journey in life in a different light. He vividly painted a picture that makes our own lives (which may feel mundane and meaningless at times) feel like an exciting adventure. By doing so, he made his talk all the more interesting and thought-provoking.

Julie's Literary Journal Experiment

Here’s a paragraph from my own journal, followed by variations.

We played Minecraft for our date night tonight. In the game, I’ve had this weird pink sheep following me all over the place, and I got so caught up in how adorable it was that . . . well, I forgot Joseph was there.
“You know,” he said from across the room, “all the guys in my program are so jealous of me. They really wish that their wives would play video games with them.”
There are days when all I think about is how much I love my husband. Then there are days when I get so caught up in chasing sheep and building staircases that I forget I even have a husband.

1. Work involved the usual stress today. I struggled over poorly placed footnotes and listened as my mentor sought my input on a difficult paragraph he was perusing. I still despise geology, but thankfully my editing professor gave us time to work on our project today (we’re practicing writing business documents in preparation for when we do freelance work). Because he gave us all that time in class, Joseph and I were able to do a date night tonight. We went to the temple and See’s candy, then settled down at home to play Minecraft. [basic summary of day]

2. My head pounded as I stared at the tangled mass of footnote in the chapter I’m editing at work today. Joseph and I went to the temple for date night tonight, then to See’s Candy, where I sampled delicious chocolates that melted on my tongue, delighting me with their bursts of fruity filling. When we got home, we played Minecraft. My surroundings instantly melted around me as I started working on my grand stone castle . . . and chased around a sheep practically glowing with vivid pink wool as I begged it to accept me as its master. [entry that appeals to senses]

3. --Don letting out a sigh of frustration as he puzzles over the manuscript that we’ve been struggling to improve at work

--My geology professor grinning as he makes another pun about how much geology rocks as I inwardly groan

--My head aching in protest as I get home from another long day of work and school

--Joseph flashes his usual smile that somehow still makes my heart flutter each time (as cheesy as that sounds) as he announces that it’s time for date night

--The hard day fades away in an instant

[snapsnot sequence of day]

4. Joseph is the ultimate master of creativity (and terrible puns). He’s creative in his approach to games, stories, dates, and (most importantly) Minecraft. Our world is teeming with life and color from the farms and diverse buildings that he’s built. He couldn’t keep the excitement out of his voice as he suggested we play Minecraft tonight. And then there’s me. I built my staircase wrong, so I had to tear some of it down. My cat fell off a cliff. I spent half of the night gushing over this pink sheep that follows me around. I have a long way to go before I catch up with the master. [description of one character from day]

5. Why do I want to be an editor, again? Will authors always see editors as heartless villains? How many more puns can I put up with--both from my professor and my husband? How is it that I still fall in love with Joseph each day? How did I get lucky enough to have a husband who unabashedly shares his hobbies and passions with me? [thought-provoking questions]

My favorite entry from this exercise was the one where I tried to appeal to the five senses--which required thinking outside the boxes, as Minecraft is blocky and hard to describe. Doing alternate exercises forced me to look at my day from different perspectives and remember different aspects of my day. I noticed little details about my day that I would have easily forgotten and was glad that I could write them down. It’s important to be able to write about one’s life from multiple angles so that one can produce the most accurate and/or the most meaningful reflection possible.

Nephi Anderson’s Added Upon: An Example of Home Literature

Orson Whitney urged Latter-day Saints to produce a “pure and powerful literature” (paragraph 4). He reminded them that this home literature would be “for God’s glory, not man’s. . . . If the words you speak are not as red-hot embers from the flaming forge of a sincere and earnest soul, they will never set on fire the souls of your hearers” (11).
     These words were a call to action for Nephi Anderson, who wrote Added Upon. The unique Mormon theology that almost overwhelms the book is reminiscent of Whitney’s instruction to produce literature that was diverse and uniquely Mormon, using the Holy Ghost as its muse rather than the Greek and Roman so-called muses of ancient literature. The opening line of the novel immediately proclaims that we’re sons and daughters of God. The book then jumps right in to the story of Jesus and Lucifer each offering themselves up as the Savior and the resulting war in heaven. Anderson’s description of people in the premortal life (“No two were alike, yet all bore an impress of the Creator, and each had an individual beauty of his own”) foreshadows the words in “Family: A Proclamation to the World” that state that we were all made in God’s image. With little explanation, the book uses theological terms obscure to those outside the Latter-day Saint faith such as “agency” and “second estate.”
     Overall, the theology in Added Upon is much more pronounced than the story (and often interrupts what would otherwise be natural characterization and dialog), but that only exemplifies how seriously Anderson took Whitney’s invitation to produce a literature from his earnest soul that was “for God’s glory, not man’s.”

Julie's Extraordinary Experience

• During the summer of 2018, I faced a lot of doubt—doubt in regards to my career, marriage, and whether I should go on a mission. 
• My parents and friends, scared of the stereotype of the English major who can’t find a job, were reminding me that I needed to be more serious about my career decision. 
• After much thought and prayer, I decided that I was going to go to school for just one more year before leaving on a mission.
• However, I still felt unsettled about my choice of career. I thought I had settled on editing—but every time that I tried editing fiction, I was miserable.
• The aftermath: After months of frustration and praying about my career, I had a dream one night where a friend told me that understanding and revelation come one step at a time, not all at once. After that, the pieces slowly fit together. I soon started dating my future husband (who I wouldn’t have met if I had gone on my mission earlier). I was offered an internship where I was surprised to discover that my strengths lay in editing nonfiction. My view of revelation and God’s role in our individual lives was forever changed by that whole experience.

Julie's Literary Annotations of the Book of Mormon

In my annotated reading of 3 Nephi 9–10, I focused on the big contrasts that occurred throughout the chapters such as shifts in tone and Hardy’s choice of formatting (poetry vs. prose, as well as where to break lines). I noted how the theme of justice/God’s righteous anger was immediately superseded by Christ’s love and care. It was interesting to look at this in terms of a generic plot structure, in which Jesus Christ would have be the protagonist and the antagonists could only be all of humankind, since it is human nature to turn away from God (as we could see in the pride cycle leading up to these climactic chapters). Finally, I focused on recurring symbols within the chapters, such as Jesus’s request for the people to become as little children (who would represent humility and obedience) and come to Him.

The Literary Intricacies in the Book of Mormon

Reading the Grant Hardy edition of the Book of Mormon helped me to see much of the literary significance in the book, even if one isn’t looking at it from a faithful perspective. Just from reading the first couple of chapters, one can catch a glimpse of the Book of Mormon’s intricacy. Nephi laces his narrative with themes that give purpose and direction to the overall story; for instance, he ends the account of Jews trying to kill Lehi with the message that the reader will come to see that “the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen . . . to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance” (p. 7). He starts his narrative with the affirmation that even in spite of suffering, he knows the Lord has highly favored him (5).

In addition, the Book of Mormon is rich with literary devices such as symbolism, foreshadowing, and comparisons. Even in the first chapter Nephi alludes to the Bible when Lehi is compared to the “prophets of old” (7). Reading Lehi’s praise unto God (an apostrophe) and the Lord’s words to Nephi formatted as poetic verse gives more elegance and flow to their words. Lehi shows his wisdom and faith in his view of a valley as a symbol of being firm in keeping the commandments, then his hopes that Lemuel will become like that valley (8). The end of the second chapter even provides some foreshadowing: the Lord tells Nephi that the future Lamanites will never have power over the Nephites unless the Nephites falter in their faith and rebel against Him (9).

Ultimately, these literary features that I have discovered during this reading have given me respect for the Book of Mormon as a coherent narrative (in spite of its complexity) that supplements its story with important themes and testimonies of Christ. It utilizes symbols, themes, foreshadowing, and poetry in order to teach the reader about Christ.

19th Century Poetry: "Hosanna Anthem" and "Millennium"

William W. Phelps’s “Hosanna Anthem” is a hymn rich with eloquence and vivid imagery. Yet because it’s a hymn, critics would consider its form to be subliterary, according to England’s article. In spite of this, I find the images of the Spirit of God burning “like a fire” and the lamb and the lion lying “down together” to be powerful images that help express the idea of God restoring knowledge, miracles, and eventually peace to the earth in the latter days. As a hymn that was written to be sung for the dedication of the Kirtland Temple, the words and themes in this poem are given all the more meaning, as we can see how important and sacred this hymn was to the Saints during such a special occasion.

Ina Coolbrith’s poem “Millennium” is also a powerful piece of literature in its own right. The poem continually brings up the theme of the dark storm that awaits the wicked earth--and contrasts that with the “light” and “morn” and “blessed peace” that will follow the destruction. Coolbrith expresses the wickedness of the world through the epithet “battle-giants of the air” and alliterations like “warring waters.” This poem brings balance to the differing world perspectives on whether God is angry and unforgiving with the sins of the world or if He is loving and merciful: because He is loving, sometimes He has to destroy the wicked in order to preserve the righteous. At its core, however, the poem expresses a very individual experience: A Latter-day Saint who has experienced firsthand the persecution and suffering that has come from an increasingly wicked world, and who eagerly awaits the Second Coming and the peace that will result. Looking at both of these poems, I think that the purpose, form, and unique theological perspective behind the poems have to be considered when we evaluate works for literary potential.

Julie's Questions about LDS Literature

• In order to qualify as LDS literature, to what extent does a work have to be inspired by the writer’s religious beliefs? Can a work that merely expresses “love of the world God has given us” (paragraph 8) be considered religious enough?
• How do we see Latter-day Saint literature progressing today? Are authors trying too hard to be orthodox and to conform to the world’s standards?
• Elder Packer said that too many Latter-day Saint authors want to “be in style” and that our “devotion will remain as unique from the world as the Church is different from the world.” Should we be more focused on expressing our devotion in writing (even if that means the work may be unpopular or “preachy”) or on the literary value in writing?
• How can we apply our theological principles to fiction? Are famous Latter-day Saint authors like Brandon Sanderson and Orson Scott Card succeeding in this?
• There are so many things in the LDS religion that are sacred and should be kept that way. How do we maintain a balance between keeping things sacred and sharing our unique views with the world? At what point is exploring Latter-day Saint theology and our religious views in writing going too far? 
• How can literature that is supposed to be faithful fit into what critics see as literary trends when we have movements characterized by pessimism and disillusionment (like postmodernism)?

Learning to Rely on the Gospel through Journaling

Two weeks before I was going to take my driving test, I got into a car accident that resulted in an intense fear of driving. As I worked to overcome this fear the following summer, I documented in my journal the frustration that I was feeling because I didn’t seem to make any progress. Part of me expected that if I just kept on praying, I would eventually get in the car and my fear would magically dissolve. That did not happen. 

What did happen, however, was that as I gave what effort I could, Heavenly Father took care of the rest. Slowly the driving became easier. And when I was ready, I took and passed my driving test.

As I now look back at my account of my frustration—and my ultimate success when I was finally able to take my driving test—I realize what a significant role the Atonement played in my life as I struggled to emotionally heal from the accident and fight my weakness. Without frequent prayer and scripture study, I would not have had the courage to get back behind the wheel every day. 

My reflections have also matured my understanding of the gospel. Instead of expecting Heavenly Father to take away my fears or disappointments, I ask for His help in strengthening me enough to face those feelings. Because of my journal, I can vividly remember the journey I had. Looking back on this experience helps me realize that I can have the strength and comfort that comes from the gospel as I face later fears and challenges. Writing this experience strengthened my faith in God and the hand that He has in our personal lives.