I'll Find Out, In Due Time

A personal essay by Marcus Cain

An eternal promise to a mortal being; a torment light can’t unveil.

My relationship with God has always been distant.

When I was younger, I felt close to Father in the sense that I knew He was there; like a child being supervised. However, the older I got, the more I treated Him like any teenager would - off handed communications and years of detachment. Confiding in a man of great spirituality, I hoped to mend my impartiality towards Father. As the man spoke, his voice sounded familiar, though I had not heard it before… it wasn’t his voice, but His. Reassuring. Calming, even.

Unsettling.

Oct. 23, 2011 – Journal Entry 7

Today during scripture study, my class of Mormon missionaries laughed at the drawing I scribbled of Jesus, crossing the Atlantic Ocean, to visit the Americas in a boat – a rendition of what I thought happened in our scriptures. Apparently, I was way off.

Shortly coming back to the Mormon church after some time, I decided to be a missionary - to preach the word of God. I was not well versed in scripture or doctrine, but feelings I received from that spiritual man a year earlier determined I needed to go, or at least, go to change. However, while studying in class with other preparing missionaries, I felt humiliated - out of place. I knew nothing; and understandably so. I constantly questioned if I was ready to do the work of my Savior. All of these young men and women have been preparing for missions since they were little; going to church weekly, attending church activities and memorizing scriptures.

I had nine weeks to prepare.

Nine weeks before I was sent out into the world to preach. I should have prepared earlier… but how? I couldn’t rewind time and take back my parents’ divorce. Who knows if I would have stayed active in the church anyways? Those seven years had passed - seven extra years I could have devoted to God; to prepare for this moment. Now I’m supposed to teach the world about things I don’t even understand; like Jesus’s apostolic whereabouts or about some kid named Joseph Smith. Although fears lingered, I remembered what His voice said previously; “all in due time”.

In due time…

Books sprawled out in each direction; my hips sunk lower into the stiff mattress as I leaned to grab another book. That one read, “…one is worthy, all promises will be fulfilled in the Lord’s due time. Those promises and blessings that are not realized in this life will be fulfilled in the next.” Fulfilled in the next... I reached for another marked with a yellow sticky note; “…securing it by his faith, to spring up in the last days, or in due time…”. Another book from my pillow, “…in the own due time of the Lord…”. I slammed the book shut and grabbed a magazine flipped open to an old discourse; “…according to the own due time of the Lord…”.

Nothing.

Days spent searching and pondering, I still didn’t have answers. I remained seated on my bed, looking at the clock - a couple of hours have already passed. A couple equals two, I thought to myself, two hours. I replayed some phrases in my head from the texts: …in this life…, …in the last days…. I understood the significance of those time frames; mortal life, the Second Coming of Christ, respectively. But in due time…. For all know, it could mean an eternity.

Nov. 4, 2018 – Journal Entry 322

What the hell does “in due time” mean? Who am I kidding; Hell wouldn’t know. It’s been years. During the time on my mission, “in due time” seemed to come after half a year of studying. Preparing for school at Brigham Young University, “in due time” came after 15 months of community college. What about marriage?

I finally understood the unsettling feeling from my conversation with God - or that spiritual man - eight years earlier.

I always dreamed to have a family of my own. One unbroken. The one promised to me - the one His voice said. Confirmed. Yet every time I think about that promise, it is capped and shriveled by the voice of His ambiguous phrase; in due time. I’ve tried plenty of times to find the right girl - my partner in crime on this planet. Thought I did once, after receiving her parent’s approval. In due time, it ended.

The unsettling feeling comes from knowing what my future holds, but not knowing when I can hold my future.

  

Now twenty-seven years old, I still sit in class. My friends are married; dreams fulfilled. Reading over quotes about "Dreams" for an upcoming project, I came across one by Susan L. Taylor - a very inspiring and respected American editor.

“We don’t have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here.”

Well, Susan, I’d hate to tell you, but I do have an eternity. Unfortunately, I believe that dreams and promises not fulfilled in this life, can be in the next.