Marcus's Essay Draft: I'll Find Out, in Due Time

I’ll Find Out, In Due Time

An eternal promise to a mortal being; torment, light can’t unveil.

My relationship with Father has always been distant.

When I was younger, I felt close to Him in the sense that I knew he was there; like a child being supervised. However, the older I got, the more I treated Him like any teenager would – off handed communications and years of detachment. A blessing from my church Patriarch mended that detachment, for a moment. The voice of the old timely Patriarch, sounded familiar, though I had not heard it before; not his voice, but His. Reassuring. Calming, even.

Unsettling.

Oct. 23, 2011 – Journal Entry 7

Today in the MTC during scripture study, my class laughed at me because I drew an image of Jesus crossing the Atlantic Ocean to visit the Americas in a boat – a rendition of what I thought happened in The Book of Mormon. Apparently, I was way off.

Shortly coming back to the church after some time, I joined the missionary service force. I was not well versed in scripture or doctrine, but feelings I received from that Patriarchal blessing a year earlier determined I needed to go, or at least, to change. However, while studying at the Missionary Training Center, I felt humiliated. I knew nothing. And understandably so. I constantly questioned if I was ready for the mission field.

Nine weeks to prepare.

I should have prepared earlier… but how? I couldn’t rewind time and take back my parents’ divorce. Who knows if I would have stayed active in the church anyways? Those seven years had passed. Now I’m supposed to teach the Brazilian people, in a language I don’t know, about things I don’t even understand; like Jesus’s apostolic whereabouts or about some kid named Joseph. Although fears lingered, I remembered what His voice said previously; “all in due time”.

In due time…

Books sprawled out in each direction; my hips sunk lower into the stiff mattress as I leaned to grab another book. That one read, “…one is worthy, all promises will be fulfilled in the Lord’s due time. Those promises and blessings that are not realized in this life will be fulfilled in the next.” Fulfilled in the next... I reached for another marked with a yellow sticky note; “…securing it by his faith, to spring up in the last days, or in due time…”. Another book from my pillow, “…in the own due time of the Lord…”. I slammed the book shut and grabbed a magazine flipped open to an old discourse; “…according to the own due time of the Lord…”.

Nothing.

Days spent searching and pondering, I still didn’t have answers. I remained seated on my bed, looking at the clock – a couple of hours have already passed. A couple equals two, I thought to myself, two hours. I replayed some phrases in my head from the texts: …in this life…, …in the last days…. I understood the significance of those time frames; nevertheless, it’s infuriating to not understand this particular time frame.

Nov. 4, 2018 – Journal Entry 322

What the hell does “in due time” mean? Who am I kidding; Hell wouldn’t know. It’s been years. During my mission, “in due time” seemed to come after half a year of studying. Preparing for BYU, “in due time” came after 15 months of community college. What about marriage?

I finally understood that unsettling feeling. The one I had eight years ago during the blessing from that Patriarch.

I always dreamed to have a family of my own. One unbroken. The one promised in my blessing – the one His voice said. Confirmed. Yet every time I read about that promise, it is capped and shriveled by the ambiguous phrase; in due time. I’ve tried plenty of times to find the right girl. Thought I did once, after receiving her parent’s approval. In due time, it ended.

The unsettling feeling comes from knowing what my future holds, but not knowing when I can

hold my future.

Now twenty-seven years old, I still sit in class. Reading over quotes about “dreams” for an upcoming project, I came across one by Susan L. Taylor – a very inspiring and respected American editor.

“We don’t have an eternity to realize our dreams, only the time we are here.”

Well, Susan, I’d hate to tell you, but I do have an eternity. Unfortunately, I believe that promises and dreams not fulfilled in this life, can be in the next.