I'll Find Out, In Due Time

A personal essay by Marcus Cain

An eternal promise to a mortal being; a torment light can’t unveil.

My relationship with God has always been distant.

When I was younger, I felt close to Father in the sense that I knew He was there; like a child being supervised. However, the older I got, the more I treated Him like any teenager would - off handed communications and years of detachment. Confiding in a man of great spirituality, I hoped to mend my impartiality towards Father. As the man spoke, his voice sounded familiar, though I had not heard it before… it wasn’t his voice, but His. Reassuring. Calming, even.

Unsettling.

Marcus's Bold Essay Response

After writing boldly, I burnt my words. Or in this case erased them from my computer and existence. I am not one to explain myself completely and being able to do so in writing was a little daunting. There isn’t much I hold back, but when it came to my topic, I realized there is a lot more digging to do. My topic is nothing of scandalous occurrences, emotional strife, or spiritual revelations, but it is a complex story of my life within the confines of God’s plan and timing. There seems to be things I don’t understand, and based off of my last Blog post, timelines are the issue. While exploring the concept for writing boldly, lots of minor details about my life that I had seemed to be forgotten came back. My lifeline seems to have unexplainable knots tied into it and unraveling those knots gave me a less disheveled perspective of how I view myself. This was a good exercise to see clearly about what events I would like to include into my paper – giving clearer understanding for the readers. Hopefully, I will be able to portray everything needed about time, in due time.

Kendal's Journal

Here's a paragraph from my own journal, followed by variations. 

Proud of my consistency of writing lately. I guess its a mode of survival during fall. Can't believe it's already September. I just finished my homework and I feel like I'm figuring out my schedule nicely. Feels good. I ran up a mountain today. Finally felt alive and was cured from my weird feelings of not feeling human. Loving my classes. My friends are great too. Feel like I'm doing well in all aspects of life and everything is set up for success. 

1. -proud of my consistency with writing

-can't believe its already September 

-ran up a mountain today

-classes and friends are good

-feeling good

2. Proud of my writing consistency and how I ran up a mountain today. Feeling alive and like everything is going to work out makes me feel like everything is set up for success.

3. Why do I have to write or run up mountains to feel okay? How is it already September? Why did I not feel human? 

4. Even though I didn't feel good, I got things in order and feel alive now.

5. Proud of my writing consistency today. I finished my homework and I feel like I am figuring out my schedule nicely. Feels good. I ran up a mountain today and it made me feel alive. Loving my classes. My friends are great too. Feel like I'm doing well in all aspects of life and everything is set up for success.

In reflection I can see the different ways of writing in a journal. Each gives a different feeling to conclude a day. It shows that we each have a choice as to how we do that. Journaling is an art form and I am just seeing that now and I like it. I like 3 and 5 best. The focus on positivity and then the questioning brings up reflection.

Cameron's Literary Journal Experience

Here's a paragraph from my own journal:

28 September 2019

“I don’t think there is anything that brings the spirit into my life more so than listening to BYU Vocal Point and stretching firs thing in the morning. It reminds me of my mission. Every day, after running, it was the only CD we had, I would stretch and listen to Vocal Point. My mind often wandered as the words of Come Come, Ye Saints would settle my heart. Now, as I sit and reflect on those memories, they help me through the long and monotonous hours of school. Sometimes I wish to be back there.”

[original entry: usually my journal entries reflect the thoughts I have been having about a Spiritual concept or chapter.]

Variations:

1. “This morning, I listened to BYU Vocal Point. It reminded me of the wonderful spiritual experiences I had on the mission. It acts as a form of meditation for me for the rest of the day. Then I went to school, did homework and went to the gym. I got to see a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. I worked for two hours, came home ate and did homework until I retired to bed. Today was just another day. Sometimes I wish to be back there.”

[List like format, chronologically mapping out the experiences of the day, not much thought or emotion behind this journal entry]

2. “I don’t think there is anything that brings the spirit into my life more so than listening to BYU Vocal Point and stretching first thing in the morning. I am inside, preparing to stretch after a brisk morning run. The weather is starting to change, the fall leaves change color. In reflection, I take a deep breath of crisp fall air. Again, memories of Frederick, MD enter my mind. Was it really 4 years ago that my companion and I briskly walked the cobblestone streets downtown, longing to find someone to teach? A dog jumps out, instantly helping me reminisce on days when my companion and I would have to run. It was crazy! Sometimes I wish to be back there.”

[Deeply reflective, tying past memories and emotions to current situations. More descriptive and reminiscent]

3. “-wake up

-meditate with BYU Vocal Point

- Study Scriptures

-Go to school

-go to work

-do hw

- go to sleep

 [bullet points. Very informal, no detail, hopefully no one writes a journal like this.]

4. Well it was another day. The semester seems to be going by slower and slower. Wow my haircut is way not good, I look in the mirror, man Studio 1030 usually does a good job at cutting my hair, but this time it’s pretty outlandish. What the heck! They cut way too high! I can’t believe I spent 15 bucks on this! Ugh, I have so much homework. Literally all I do is work and go to school and study. How am I supposed to have a social life? This is not enjoyable. Is it even worth it? Where is the weekend? 

[complaining entry, with a bad haircut, this person sees everything in a horrible light. Not effective for progress]

5.  I’ve decided to take a stroll through the mountains, I have one headphone in my ear and one out. The tune of Come Come Ye saints starts playing. Though it’s been a hard week, I feel as though I can conquer anything. I get out of my car, removing the headphones, I disconnect from the world. I look to my left, the rocky cliffs stretching high in the sky. A bird dances across the horizon, its heart fluttering giving it life. A worm dangles from its mouth. It only thinks of its next meal and how it can provide for its hatchlings. There they stay, waiting upon what mother has brought for breakfast. The thought then occurs to me, are we any different? I look to my right, the panoramic view of nature excites me as I breath in the morning air. Cool, crisp, calm. There is no wind. There they stand, ancient and immovable – trees. Do they bow to the wind? No. Do they shrink before the hail and the sleet and the storm? No. But here they are on this warm fall day with not even a tinkling breeze to be felt. I look around. All is still.

 [Descriptive, I tried to pay attention to the senses, not intended to be didactic, but meant to be thought provoking]

Reflection Paragraph 

Writing each variation made me feel different about the day. Though each variation did not happen on September 28, each variation involved an experience that I've had and written in the past. I think my favorite one to read and write is the 5th entry. I really tried to pay attention to detail and recreate an experience I had that could relate to almost anyone. It made me feel like I had a connection to my audience and I hope it invites people to appreciate nature for what it is. Either way, I think knowing I would be writing for an audience changed the way I thought about writing an it allowed me to experience my memories in a whole new way.