Katy's Belief Sketch

The dark is almost tangible. The night is warm, but my skin is cold and clammy. My eyes are crusty with the day's work, but they find no rest, searching in the darkness for shapes and shadows, hoping they will morph into recognizable forms. A few feet away, I hear my companion's gentle, whistling snore. It is the only sound in this dark, lonely room. In, out... In, out... In, out... My muscles suddenly seize. My lungs catch, my jaws freeze. The blanket feels heavier than usual, restrictive. It holds me down. And now, there are new noises in addition to the snoring. Laughing, it seems like. A man's voice. It is getting closer. I hear a key turning. Click. I am confused. Why can't I breathe?? The blanket is getting heavier. I am  being crushed beneath its weight. With all of the strength I can muster, I wrench myself upright, pushing the blankets off of me, and let out a strangled gasp. Silence.

A year later, I am sitting at Christmas dinner, chatting with Mason. His beard has grown down to his collar, his thick curly hair bounces as he leans forward and asks me, "Have you ever heard of sleep paralysis?"
"No," I say.
"Well, it's like when your body goes to sleep, but your mind doesn't. Sometimes you'll see stuff and hear weird noises. It's freaky. Happened to me the other night."
I think back to that night in Thailand. "Huh. That actually has happened to me. I thought I was being possessed or something."
He laughs, scooping more mashed potatoes onto his plate. "You believe in that stuff? No, it's a real medical thing."

Now, I sit in my cluttered office at school, poring over volume after volume of criticism and analysis of Joseph Smith's First Vision. Before he sees God, he says he feels the devil. I read and reread. Each rereading feels more familiar: "Immediately I was seized upon by some power which entirely overcame me, and had such an astonishing influence over me as to bind my tongue so that I could not speak. Thick darkness gathered around me, and it seemed to me for a time as if I were doomed to sudden destruction."