Then I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I was called to Thailand, and while I loved it there, for the first time in my life I began to really struggle with what I believed. I had many companions who were wonderful, and whom I loved, but who didn't always interpret the rules or the doctrine in the same way that I did. In addition to this, I struggled with feelings of self-doubt to the point of wishing myself harm. I did not understand how God was allowing me to feel this weak when I was supposed to be His servant. One of the few places I could go for refuge was my journal. As I wrote out my confusing thoughts and feelings, I was able to step back and see my mission in perspective. My struggle was something many other missionaries experienced. The feelings of unsurety I was having might someday lead to a greater understanding of who I was and my purpose in God's plan.
As I returned home from my mission, there were many times I would turn to my old journals for consolation in difficulty. In retrospect, I could laugh at how awful some of the days had been, and I could see why God had given me some of the challenges he had. There were some experiences about which I was still bitter, but I was able to trust that it was all for the best. Now, as I sit here with my journal open in front of me. I can agree with my old missionary self, "I think it will all be okay."
I enjoyed reading your blog and I think it's hilarious to go back and read the things we write. Some of them are very important learning experiences but we have others that are just intense for no reason. I'm glad that everything worked out and that you had some experiences that you can hold onto. Some of them are lessons that will need to be put into practice far in the future.
ReplyDeleteI still go back and read through my mission journal sometimes and it is pretty cool (and sometimes embarrassing) to see the things we wrote during such a big time of life.
ReplyDeleteI like how, even within your blog post, there's perspective when it comes to missions. I liked how you were able to use your mission journals as a reference, even after returning--instead of forgetting about them, they were something to use in difficult situations.
ReplyDeleteI loved that you talked about your journal being a refugee. That is definitely how I feel about my journal as well.
ReplyDeleteI also really liked reading your blog because, being one who has served an LDS mission myself, I could connect in some way with some of your experiences. For me though, I had a different approach. For me the mission was a spiritual high from which I have been extremely reluctant to relinquish. What I mean by this is that for me, the feelings of worthiness, of guidance from the Holy Ghost, the ability to serve in that capacity were all amazing experiences. I wrote them down, but by returning home, I never felt like I could return to that "holy state." For me, reading my missionary journal only made it more difficult because I felt further away from the spirit than I ever had before. That was almost 3 years ago now and I have since found ways to overcome those feelings and it was by reading about those experiences with a different perspective, that they gave me the perspective of hope and happiness.
ReplyDeleteYour perspective is so refreshing and positive! I appreciate your honesty and ability to recognize the bigger picture that it really will be okay!
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